


The Days of Living Safely

by misura



Category: Iron Man (Movies), NCIS
Genre: Crossover, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-22
Updated: 2011-09-22
Packaged: 2017-10-23 23:08:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/256108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/misura/pseuds/misura
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>Tony's experience with agencies of law enforcement has mostly consisted of not getting arrested for driving under influence (he doesn't, honestly; he knows his limits) and being told by Pepper she's redirected a call.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	The Days of Living Safely

**Author's Note:**

  * In response to a prompt by [thecookiemomma](https://archiveofourown.org/users/thecookiemomma/pseuds/thecookiemomma) in the [fusionfest](https://archiveofourown.org/collections/fusionfest) collection. 



> prompt: _What if Tony Stark met Tony DiNozzo? Possibilities include: young Tony D coming to an event with Senior. Senior Stark getting funding from Senior DiNozzo during one of those rare flush times. Senior D nearly conning Senior S. Sons commiserating about it. DiNozzo as an Agent having to investigate Stark Enterprises for something._
> 
> Thus, the fic below is much more of a crossover than a fusion, imho. There just ... isn't that much to fuse, as far as the prompt is concerned?

"You just love me for my car collection," Tony says; he's driving (of course he's driving) - too fast and too recklessly to be quite convincing as the responsible and at least somewhat respectable CEO of a big corporation. "Admit it, Tony."

There's a long, empty stretch of road ahead of them, and if he thought it might make an impression, he might push the car a bit harder; there's a purr to her engine that says she'd like nothing better, the little minx, and he's always been weak in the face of female beauty.

"If I say 'yes', will you let me drive?"

Possessive, too, to some degree, although he prefers to call it 'protective', if he needs to put a word on it at all. "No."

 

Tony's experience with agencies of law enforcement has mostly consisted of not getting arrested for driving under influence (he doesn't, honestly; he knows his limits) and being told by Pepper she's redirected a call - most often to his accountant.

Oh, and there was that one time with that one girl, but Tony's pretty sure that doesn't count, seeing as how he's almost (but not entirely, which is, of course, the point) completely sure her uniform wasn't real, to say nothing of the handcuffs.

"NCIS?" In theory, Tony approves of acronyms. In practice, he often finds them meaningless; there's no value to them, no information. "Can't say I ever heard of you guys."

It's a little bit rude. Barging into someone's office without having the decency to call first isn't quite civilized either. Payback's fair play, and if his visitors disagree, Tony's got enough money to convince them they're really not insulted enough to make things difficult for themselves. (He wouldn't bribe them, obviously - the money's for his ridiculously expensive but apparently top-notch lawyers.)

"Yeah," the kid with the cheesy cap says. "We get that a lot."

No offense accomplished, then. Pity. Tony sits down, considers ordering a cup of coffee and not offering his guests any.

"Really," the kid goes on (maybe the other guys don't speak English?). "If I got a nickel every time we ran into someone who hasn't got a clue who we are ... "

"It's called a salary, DiNozzo." (All right, so they do speak English.)

"So, basically, the more people who know what good work I do, the less I get paid? That doesn't really sound fair."

"Who said life should be fair?"

Bantering visitors from an alphabet agency. Isn't there some sort of law against that?

 

The family resemblance is there for those who know of it only, Tony thinks, sipping his wine and wondering if he ought to have ordered it - he's extended the invitation, yes; if you go with the assumption that this is a date, then Tony would definitely be the 'dater', his guest the 'datee'.

Or whatever terms exist for that kind of thing. (Tony's not drunk.)

"How's the wine?"

Tasting wine is like fishing, or people asking after your health when they know you've been shot three days ago. "It's all right." Tony's not a fan of fishing. It's just not ... restful. Boring, perhaps, but not restful. Seems somewhat unkind to fish, too. Pepper probably wouldn't approve. "How's the food?"

"It's all right."

Tony hopes the sex will be better. It's not that he can't spare the cost of dinner, but his time's always been precious, and there's probably going to be yelling or icy stares and silences tomorrow morning, once Pepper gets hold of the newspapers - headline: _IS TONY STARK GAY?_ , because the word 'bisexual' is just a bit too long and complicated for printing.

Also, considering the show he's just given the paparazzi, that question mark's really kind of an insult.

(He's _not_ drunk.)

 

"You break his heart and I'll break your legs," the older guy - Gibbs says.

Tony could have him dragged out of his office in under ten seconds, kicked out in less. "I think you've got the wrong idea here." Either that, or Tony does, which - well, possible but hardly likely, seeing as how he's (supposedly) kind of a genius and Gibbs is (according to his classified file) merely very good at his job. "That video they put up on YouTube really isn't - " A complete surprise? A work of art? Not the point, probably. It did happen; not much point in denying it.

"YouTube?" Gibbs asks, face perfectly straight, and Tony's just -

It should be funny. It should be hilarious. "It's - " Still too early in the day for Tony to be his usual smooth, eloquent self, it would seem. "We just had some fun." Or so he hopes. Tony had fun, anyway. "Nothing too serious."

"Good. Keep that in mind next time." Gibbs rises.

 _"What next time?"_ Tony isn't quite stupid enough to ask.

He'll have Pepper put something in his schedule. Slightly scary superiors aside, DiNozzo's all right. Tony can probably handle another date without getting bored out of his mind.

 

"Would you believe me if I told you I was looking for the bathroom?"

"No," Tony says, and then, because he can't help himself; he's curious and maybe also just the tiniest bit hurt, "What were you looking for?"

 

Of course the next NCIS agent they (whoever 'they' are) send after Tony is totally hot and a woman.

Of course Tony hits on her, being a red-blooded male and all (as most men, really; there might be people out there whose blood isn't red, but Tony's reasonable sure they're not human. Which is fine by him; he's got nothing at all against aliens so long as they come in peace and have lousy aim.)

Of course he ends up handcuffed in a supply closet, almost but not entirely naked.

"I think this would make a nice video to be put on YouTube, yes?"

"Not unless you planned on dragging at least another two people or so in here," Tony says, because what's he got to lose anyway? Aside from his underwear, that is. "Also, you're slightly overdressed."

She tells him she could cut off his balls and feed them to him in Hebrew.

He informs her in the same language he wouldn't dare doubt her skills for a single moment and possibly throws in a line about competent women being somewhat of a turn-on for him. (It's been a while; he might just have informed her he enjoys sex with goats. Her face seems to imply this is so.)

She promises him she'll tell Pepper where he is ... at some point. In English.

"Mossad?" Tony asks. It seems logical, so probably not.

"Very good, Mr. Stark." Her eyes are laughing at him, so clearly he's succeeded in charming her at least a little.

Still not quite enough to keep her from closing the door, of course.

 

Tony doesn't really ever do 'awkward'. It's not his style. "You've got some ... interesting friends."

Rhodey knows Gibbs from way back when, it turns out. One of those things. Tony counts himself lucky if he remembers the name of someone he's been introduced to last weeks without prompting (Pepper's amazing memory does come in handy sometimes. Rarely. Less often than Tony considers it a pain to have all his past sins be remembered.)

"Not as interesting as you, I'd have to say. Mine've only got one day job."

Well. That answers that. "We should have dinner some time."

"I'm pretty sure we already did."

"Again, then."

"Can you get me Captain America's autograph?"

 

Tony doesn't really do the whole making-up thing either. It's always seemed a waste of time and effort that would have been better spent on pursuing someone new. It's a big world out there; why limit yourself? He's pretty sure he's not in love or something sappy like that.

"Maybe you're getting old," Pepper says when he makes the mistake of talking to her about it in a roundabout, 'there's this guy I know' kind of way.

Not likely. Not likely at all. Heroes die young, after all, and Tony's still quite alive, thank you very much, Ms. Potts.

 

"You were right. I did only love you for your car collection."

With a full tank, Tony wonders how far he could go. "Past tense?" Not quite far enough, probably. That's always been his problem.

"Can I drive?"

"Maybe some other time."


End file.
